Say you are a fresh graduate at that age of 23, a male, starting a
carrier as an executive officer working somewhere in KL with a salary,
say RM2000 per month and without any saving in the bank. Monthly,
extracting your expenditures on foods, transportation (public or
motorcycle), electricity, water, phone, house rent and other expenses,
say you can save about RM800 the most. Then, because you are a good son,
you send some money to your parents or relatives about RM300 per month.
This will give you a balance of RM500 of saving. For the first year,
maybe you are very discipline with your budget, so you save about
RM5000.

The next year at the age of 24, you meet a girl of your dream. Both of
you plan to get married after one year or two. Ok, that’s fine, it gives
you time to save some more money and some more time to prepare the basic
necessities for a ‘happy’ family? a car and a roof to live under. That
year because you are a hard worker, you get a raise of 10%. Since you
are also a gentleman, you make sure some money is put aside to spend on
dates and gifts for your girl, so 10% goes for her. Like the previous
year, after much sweat and meggie-eating months, you save another
RM5000. Your company is doing ok. You are paid 2 months bonus. So,
another RM4000 is added to your saving. So, your total saving now is
RM14,000. You decide to spend about RM8000 on a brand-new RM40,000 car
down payment. So, you net saving that year is RM6000.

The next year at the age of 25, you are doing fine at work. But because
now you have to pay for car every month, your total monthly saving is
cut down to about RM400. You save roughly about RM5000 that year. No
bonus that year because your company is doing poor. So, your total
saving in the bank is RM11,000. Then, you decide to get engaged with
your girlfriend. She said OK. So, need to buy an engagement ring. RM1500
is spent on ring plus ‘hantaran pertunangan’ . So, your net saving that
yearis RM9,500.

The next year at the age of 26, you get promoted. Your salary now is 1.5
of your starting salary at the company. Good news! You
think. “Ok, this yearI will get married”. You also are ‘gersang’
already.

So, you ask your fiance “how much is the dowry (hantaran)? “She say,
“berapa-berapa yang u sanggup”. You ask,”RM5000 ok?”.
She replies, “I okay je. Tapi my mom tu. Dia kata grad oversea macam I
ni mane boleh letak rendah-rendah. Paling kurang
RM10,000 tau!”.

Your eyes ‘terjegil’, your tounge ‘meleleh’ and you faint on the spot.
“Where else in the world can I get extra money?”, you say to yourself.
But, because you are very determined to get married with your dream girl
and in the name of love, you work really really hard that year until you
are awarded “The Best Employee of The Year”. You get 3 months of bonus.
You also do some side business to supply ayam pencen. So, roughly your
net saving at the end of that year is RM20,000.

Ok, now you are 27 years old with enough saving in the bank to pay for
the dowry. But then, come your mom saying,”Anak mak nak
kawin ni mesti la buat grand grand. Kita sewa khemah besar-besar, jemput
penyanyi ke artis ke sorang dua datang buat persembahan. Lauk pauk kita
cater aje la ya? RM10 je sekepala. Baju kawin ko, kita sewa yg
cantik-cantik dan mahal-mahal sket.
Kita jemput dalam 1000 orang datang ok?”

You did a quick in-the-head- calculation, “1000xRM10=RM10, 000, penyanyi
lagi, khemah lagi, buta-buta je RM15,000!!! Tu tak masuk cincin kahwin
lagi!!” You say,”Mak, nak buat apa membazir-bazir duit ni?” Your mom
replies,”Apa pulak membazirnya? Kau kawin
sekali je seumur hidup. Biarlah buat betul-betul. “You insist,”Tapi
mak?”Your mom says, “Dahlah, kau jangan nak buat malu mak.
Cik Tipah jiran kita tu buat kenduri kat hotel siap dato, datin, tan sri
puan sri lagi datang. Mana la mak nak letak muka kalau buat kenduri
kecik-kecik? “.

Anyway, you finally get married. But, a beautiful happy life after
marriage that you dream of with your wife does not last long.
You have debts around your waist, interest gets higher every month,
cannot afford to pay them, you wife gets tired of you asking money from
her, she accuses you of being irresponsible husband for not being a good
provider, blah blah blah? At the end, you two go into separate ways? You
get divorced.

Problem breeds problem? Sometimes we wonder why marriage institution is
failing in our country. The above example may not represent the whole
phenomena in our culture, but perhaps it gives us some ideas of the
problems young couple these days are facing in getting married from my
perspective.

The Root Cause of The Problem…

There is something wrong in our culture. I really think there are some
practices in our culture in Malaysia (Malay culture specifically) that
do not make sense and especially they are contrary to the teaching of
Islam. These practices are well-rooted in our culture that
unfortunately because of them, many people are ‘afraid’ to get married,
or simply feel like they cannot afford when they are actually can
afford. These are some of my observation and summary analysis:

(1) Marriage should be done in the most modest way but in Malaysia, it
is ought to be done in the most lavish way. Competition on whose wedding
is the most grandeur is almost unavoidable. Fame is usually the reason
why people spend unreasonable and wasteful amount of moneyfor a wedding.

(2) The “price” of a woman is measured according to her perhaps
educational background, physical attributes and family social
status not according to her knowledge and understanding of Deen and
piety as suggested by the religion. The saddest thing is that “price” is
put on women, who are supposed to be, if God-loving, kind-hearted and
pious ones, “priceless”! ‘Dowry’ system is adopted by the Malays from
perhaps the Indians who came to Malaysia long time ago. When the ‘dowry’
is put too high and men can’t
afford to pay, marriage is usually delayed or cancelled. An effort to
build another small brick unit of this Deen is delayed or
perhaps destroyed only for this reason.

(3) Marriage should be a quick and easy process for the couple not hard,
which eventually becomes a burden. These days, we make marriage so
complicated that people are afraid of getting married. When I was in the
US, I saw Muslim brothers and sisters getting
married at the mosque, with just some sweets as the main course for the
guests. The guests who were invited to witness the ceremony were usually
whoever prayed jemaah at the mosque or some close relatives and friends.
There is no point of being
extravagance. We should focus on the life after wedding not the wedding
itself.

Wedding is only a door to the marriage house. Why should we spent a lot
of money to decorate the door so beautifully, when the inside of the
house is then left empty, dark and unattractive?

…and the pressure is on men…

p/s: This Article originally from a friend to a friend to a friend. . .